It’s another Monday, finally spring, and I’m sitting with my coffee, thinking about my dreams.

(Also, I may have accidentally signed back up for the Nuance dictation app while telling a friend about it this weekend. I should verify that pronto, as it isn’t cheap!)

I miss dictation, but I also blame it for the mess that I’ve found myself in. Dictation allows me to get my ideas out quickly and easily, but has created a backlog of six completed first draft novels I must edit before I feel like I’m allowed to do anything new.

I’m not sure if other writers struggle with completing projects as much as I do, but I’ve always assumed they do too. The new idea likes to fight with the old project for supremacy in the ThunderDome of my mind.

(Clearly, I’m a child of the 80s when every time I struggle with anything it’s ThunderDome time.)

Yesterday was Mother’s Day, and I enjoyed a relaxing weekend with family where I was actually able to take the time and just be present in the moment.

I enjoyed my immediate and extended family, wished friends and family alike a good weekend, and spoke to a few people I haven’t spoken to in awhile.

I did exactly what a weekend off is meant for and yet, I feel a tinge of guilt I didn’t accomplish that mythical “to do” list that lives in my head.

I promised to help a few writers, I’ve got projects to work on, deadlines to meet, but I’m just so tired.

It doesn’t help that the weather this morning is gray and rainy, nor that I’ve completely underestimated how hard working 24 hour call shifts would be in my fifth decade of life. It’s not like I expected it to be easy—I’ve never been someone who got by without sleep. I love 8 hours a night, preferably asleep before 9:30. But I didn’t factor in the sleep debt. It takes almost the whole week to get over the one night of call, and before I know it it’s that time again.

But it’s also a part of my job I really enjoy, hence the dilemma. If I hated it, things would be easier. In an ideal world, everyone would get 7+ hours of sleep a night.

Imagine what the world would be like if no one was sleep deprived? Talk about world changing!

My favorite time of day is early morning, particularly in the spring or the fall, where I can watch the sunrise in silence, broken only by the birds waking up and my cats fighting with each other nearby.

(Okay, I would enjoy it more without the cats fighting, but I’m a realistic person and this is what I get.)

My birthday is next week, and I’ll spend the rest of this week thinking about my dreams and goals, similar to the way other people make New Year’s resolutions.

For me, it isn’t resolutions so much as pulling out a map of what I’d like to see, do, and accomplish in the next year my life. I use both New Year’s and my birthday as touch points, or gas stations on the highway of life, so to speak. Separated as they are by 5+ months, it allows me to check in on my annual goals and also revise when I’m more motivated in the spring.

(Perhaps if New Year’s wasn’t in the deepest darkest part of winter my goals would be loftier. Instead, each January I mostly feel too full from the holidays to do much more than vow not to eat that much again.)

So where do I find myself now? In many ways I’m suffering a little pandemic burnout, I think.

I want to relaunch my first trilogy with new covers, but that means rereading and revising (because what writer isn’t tempted by the need to fiddle?) On the one hand, I still really love the stories that I wrote, but they were written over a million words ago and my voice has changed. It still sounds like me, but a younger and less experienced me.

I’m also a time under-estimator, which is why I like to show up earlier to events than needed. That way I always have a few minutes to gather my composure even if I’m later than I had planned.

When and if I finally finish relaunching the first trilogy with new covers, I plan to tackle the rest of the books in my original series. The reason is because when I first started writing, I’d only planned to write one book. That book then became a trilogy, but when I kept going things got a little…messy. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to my girls, so I wrote them each a story.

I feel the best way to serve my characters would be to make it clear which storylines go in which order.

I have eight books in that original series, two of which are still on the editing block. The first three are told from’s Cat’s perspective, then each girl gets their own story. Once the original trilogy is done, I hope to relaunch them all in a way that is clear and easy to follow.

Part of my motivation is because as a reader it drives me crazy not knowing what book comes next. This way, they can be read in order if people wish. Then I can finally get to those six other books that need editing. I have so many stories planned if I only had the time!

It seems so weird now, because those books were written three years ago in a different world. Now I wonder if perhaps a little time on the shelf until the world calms down is a good thing. It’s funny how life happens while you making other plans, isn’t it?

But writing isn’t my only focus, of course. I have lofty dreams in general, because I don’t believe dreams should be small. For me, that means really focusing on living in the moment, pausing to breathe and appreciate the world with all its beauty and flaws.

It’s so easy for me to plan and do, but so hard for me to sit and be.

Maybe it’s the way the world seems to have been shook and spun so that were in the upside down, or maybe I’ve reached that time in life that some call the middle-age awakening. Whatever it is, I’m not content to continue filling every minute of my time with doing. I plan to practice the pause more often in my daily life, and when setting goals for the next year of my journey around the sun.

What do you want to accomplish this year, just for you?

Take a little time and dream big—because dreams can come true if you have them, but if you don’t dream they never have a chance.

H. M. Gooden